Saturday, December 1, 2018

Monster Gut Table

So Zak S. did a cool thing (EDIT: Zak S. is an abuser, fuck him. This post is based off of some of his work from his blog from before i knew that) a really really long time ago where he went through all the monsters alphabetically in the Monster Manual and he wrote a short thing about them. Some of them are just like "this monster sucks+a little joke about why". It's a good fun time.

I had the idea that I could do a similar thing (writing short things about monsters) after I saw this thing (pictured above) which is also very worth sharing, earlier today. I want to write about monsters from wherever, that could make great monsters in D&D. This would also just be a fun thing for me to do to gather a lot of unique weird monsters to use in my games. So I think the format for these will be some combination of a review of cool monsters and maybe stats or rules or mechanics for those monsters. Here's the first, it's not a monster, but it's a rule for monsters based on how monster-loot works in video games sometimes :


In fantasy video games sometimes you kill a rat, like in skyrim, or even a mushroom guy, like in mario or any kinda monster that doesn't have pockets and you still get some gold. This isn't a bad idea, it's fun to find loot on monsters. But I think most monsters don't hoard gold, that's a special dragon thing. So why do they have loot? Maybe because they ate an adventurer who was a little less lucky than you and that guy had a cool scroll on him. Or maybe the eyes of the Behir are just really good for 

So the idea is that some monsters have weird and/or cool loot inside their guts and you can get it if you cut em open.

Here's how I implemented this rule:

Step 1: Tell your players they can cut open the next big dead monster and it might have valuable loot inside, because sometimes wyvern-hearts are valuable, and sometimes wyverns eat wizards or just unlucky noblemen.

Step 2: If your players are like mine were, they immediately want to do this because it's gross and funny and they get loot and if you tell them there's a box with a present in it and it's for them, they will open the box because it would be rude not to and it's exciting, even if instead of a box, the present is inside the bloody carcass of some bat-winged monstrosity.

Step 3: All monsters that are big enough to eat people have a 1 in 6 chance of having loot from this table from now on.

As always, if something doesn't make sense reroll, if something starts to get stale, cross it out and write your own thing.

1 - 10. The Wizard in the party* suddenly remembers/discovers that a part of this creature carries powerful magical properties (this is true of all of this kind of monster from now on).
1. Tooth or Claw - This monster's teeth or claws can be easily fashioned into fine blades which won't lose their edge. They have the same damage die as the monster's bite/claw attack, but only one die. If the monster doesn't have a bite attack or a claw attack, reroll.
2. Hide - This monster's hide can be tanned and made into a cloak that makes animals (and some people) fear you.
3. Horn - If you carve a blowing-horn from one of the horns of this creature, it's sound will attract more. There is a 1-in-6 chance that they will not be hostile.
4. Lungs - If you light the dried lungs of this creature on fire they will burst into a cloud of choking smoke (as Stinking Cloud).
5. Tongue - If pickled with burdock root and placed in a box, the tongue will speak profane blasphemies.
6. Heart - Devouring this creature's heart will exorcise demons or other entities from the possessed and cleanse the otherwise corrupted.
7. Eyes - The eyes of this creature can be preserved in a jar and will remember whatever they see. When a player wishes to view what the eyes saw they must throw them into a fire and the images will reveal themselves in the smoke.
8. Blood - If you drink this creature's blood you gain +1 to attack/damage for 1d6 hours. If you use it for a ritual baptism you may rage as a 1st level barbarian once today, before the next sunrise.
9. Skull - The sutures on the skull of this creature form a specific type of arcane writing which can be read as a scroll of Animate Dead.
10. Brain - Spellcasters will pay a large sum for this creature's brain, which apparently can be dissected in order to reveal an organic pattern from which one may learn the spell "Brain Seed", which allows the caster to carve out an idea from their mind and plant it into the ground as if it were a seed, in order to grow the idea into fruition.
11 . Entrails - Can be read by a Haruspex to cast any divination spell of the creature's level or lower.
12. - 20. You find something it swallowed inside its stomach.
12 . Garbage.
13 . Dead knight with intact plate armor. Wanted dead for the murder of several local peasants. Proof of his death will be rewarded with 4d10 gold by their families.
14 . Dead nobleman with diary full of bad poetry.
15 . Dead goblin clutching fancy stolen necklace worth 3d10 gold.
16 . Dead Rogue with a grappling hook and a map revealing a nearby dungeon.
17 . Dead Fighter with a splintered shield, a dented helm, and a finely engraved axe.
18 . Dead Wizard with intact, albeit slimy spellbook.
19 . Roll a Random NPC from this region. They're inside the stomach and they have a % chance to be still alive = their HD.
20 . Roll on the Random Encounter table for this region. That monster is inside the stomach and has % chance to be still alive = their HD.

*or whoever would know, maybe the Ranger.

Also here are some monsters/monster ideas I want to do in later posts. Please comment any suggestions!

Future Monster Reviews
  • Blue Hell of the Pardoner Demon, based on the song Blue Hell by the band Pardoner
  • The Viscerons, sort of based on the Shit Monsters linked above, but more just also based on human anatomy. 
  • King Ghidora (AKA Monster Zero) from the Godzilla Series, specifically Godzilla vs. Monster Zero (AKA Invasion of Astro-Monster).
  • Rogol Domedonfors, tentacle ooze Wizard, from Dying Earth by Jack Vance.
  • Evil Dead 2-inspired possessed berserker.

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